My 6-year-old daughter screams, tantrums and hits us, especially when things do not go her way. We have tried different strategies, like taking her to her room and doing time out, but it doesn’t work. How can we address these behaviors?

Young children have fewer ways of identifying and coping with their emotions, so these types of behaviors are common at this age. However, it can still be tough to deal with as a parent. Below are some ways to help, though if you feel like you are still having issues, you can always seek professional advice, such as talking with your child’s pediatrician.

As a first step, it’s important for us to find ways to keep our calm. This can help children remain calmer and help us get to through the challenging moment. This means making sure you find ways to recharge your own batteries (e.g., self-care) and find ways of getting through these difficult moments. Having a mantra (e.g., “this too shall pass” or “I’m doing the best that I can”) or small tricks to keep our cool (e.g., taking three deep breaths, counting to ten before responding) helps us keep our cool and helps model coping skills.

You can help your daughter learn how to identify, express and cope with her emotions by being an “emotion coach.” The best time for this coaching is usually when children are calm, rather than in the middle of a meltdown. You can use emotions that she’s having, you’re having, or other people are having (such as characters in a book or on a show). While you can do this for different emotions and behaviors, given the example you described, it may be helpful to discuss disappointment, frustration and flexibility. For example, you can say “Mommy is disappointed right now because the cereal I wanted was not available. I’m going to take some deep breaths to help me calm down — I like to pretend I’m blowing up a balloon when I take deep breaths — can you help me take them? Then I’m going to try to be flexible and choose a different cereal.” This should help your daughter to identify coping strategies and practice them when she’s calmer. Or you could say, “you seem disappointed because you didn’t get to play the game you wanted. I like how you’re staying calm and safe and being flexible by finding something else to play with.”

Another strategy is to use something called “differential attention” – giving more attention to the behaviors you like and less attention to problematic or annoying behaviors that are not dangerous. In other words, ignore the screaming or tantrums and praise her when she’s staying calm. Be sure to be specific, positive and immediate with your praise. For example, saying “nice job keeping a calm body and being flexible!” will help her learn faster than saying “nice job!” or “thanks for not screaming.” Just remember, when you use this method and start to ignore a behavior, it’s important to stick with it and ride it out. Often the bad behavior gets worse before it gets better.

There are some behaviors that you do not want to ignore, such as hitting. It can be helpful to have a clear consequence for dangerous behaviors like hitting that you use every time she hits. For example, “you hit mommy, so mommy will go into the other room now.” Consistency and follow through are important so you want to use the same consequence every time you see the behavior.

If you’re still finding things challenging, talking to your child’s pediatrician can be a helpful next step.